The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Everyday we tell ourselves little white lies. Well, I do anyway. Tomorrow, I'll spend more time at the gym; tomorrow, I'll clean up the office/craft room/school room; tomorrow I won't eat any candy ... and on and on. I guess this falls under the term procrastination, but let's face it -- I'm lying to myself. I tell myself I'm going to do something but, let's be honest, I probably have no intention of getting it done. Maybe some of you can relate?  We may think we'll do it (whatever it is -- and we all have an "it") and maybe some of us will eventually get to it, but if you're like me, it stays on the back burner, especially cleaning that office :)

So, how do we motivate ourselves to change? I'm not sure. I struggle with this on a daily basis. I am the queen of procrastination. It constantly irks me when my high schooler doesn't plan out his homework assignments and leaves tons of work to get done right before their due date. But, I know exactly where he's gotten this habit from -- me! My husband isn't like this. He's the type of person who sets out to do something and nine times out of ten, he will go ahead and get it done because he just wants to get "it" out of the way. Not me, I'm always thinking maybe I'll have more energy to get it done tomorrow. I don't really have to do that right now. Maybe magical faeries will descend upon my home and do "it" for me :) Why do I do this? Is it something inherent in my DNA? Is it just part of my personality? Is it something I can change about myself?

I started thinking about this today because I'm once again struggling with my weight. Back in 2008 - 2010 I lost about 40 pounds. My father, who was not overweight, had a stroke and this scared me. I always thought he was healthy. Well, healthy for someone who smoked more than a pack of cigarettes per day and was a strictly meat and potatoes, with high fat desserts on the side, kind of guy. On top of my Dad's health scare, my husband and I were in the process of planning a family trip to Europe to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary. So, I was completely motivated. I went to the gym. Many days I worked out for two hours at a time. I ate right, I counted calories, I reduced my wine intake to only a couple of glasses per week, etc, etc. I was fairly religious in my diligence.The weight came off, slowly, and it was hard work, but it did come off.

When we returned from our trip, I still went to the gym, but not as religiously. I thought "if I just get there a few times per week," the weight would, at least, stay off. And, for a while it did. But then I got lazy and I went to the gym less often. I stopped counting calories. I stopped eating well. I like food. I like wine. I like hanging with friends and family on the weekends and eating pizza and drinking wine. I have a complete weakness for cheese. So, you can see where this is going. I gained weight. Not all at once, it's crept on slowly. But here I am, four years later, I've gained back 20 pounds. Ugh.

We recently went to Myrtle Beach for a long weekend and I felt disgusting. But, has this been the motivation I need to get back to the gym? Maybe, maybe not. I went several times in the week that followed. I started watching what I eat, logging my exercise and food intake. But, at the end of one week -- I had not lost one ounce!! It's frustrating to feel like you've worked hard, or harder than you have in a long time, and not see any results. I know the weight is not miraculously going to disappear overnight. I know I didn't gain it overnight, so I don't expect to lose it that quickly either. But, I was hoping for, at the very least, a half pound loss. But, nothing. The scale did not move. I realize that there are probably things going on internally that aren't visible on the scale -- but I want to see pounds shedding!

So, how do I stay motivated to stay on program? To be honest, I'm struggling with this right now. I find myself feeling disgusted and the more I get disgusted, the more upset I am, the more upset I am, the less motivated I feel, the less motivated I feel, the less I feel like going to the gym which then leads to feeling more and more disgusted. You see the never-ending cycle?

Motivation, where do you get it from? We all have motivators whether they be external - that trip you've been planning, an upcoming wedding, high school or college reunion, etc. External motivators can be a huge kick in the butt. But, I think, in order to make the type of changes in lifestyle, that promote long-term weight loss goals or long term health changes (or whatever you're trying to change), these motivators come from inside. They are small (or big) mental changes that need to be made, over time, to be successful and long lasting.

Okay, so the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I need help! There, I said it. I'm not typically one who asks for or seeks out help. I'm more of a do-it-yourself kinda gal. But, this time I need help. I need inspiration. I need motivation. I have two big trips coming up next year (external motivators). One is to Europe with my oldest son's high school class. The other is to celebrate my 25th wedding anniversary -- we'll be cruising DCL in June.  Now, the internal motivators need to fall into place. Another truth -- I'm really hoping blogging about my struggles will help motivate me to change. So, there's my truth -- I'm overweight and unhappy. Now, I'm off to make a healthy choice for dinner.