Waiting, waiting...

So, my new toy (aka Fitbit One) arrived yesterday, I'm so excited! Set up was really pretty easy -- just needed to create an account on Fitbit and then I synced it with my Sparkpeople account and they're talking to each other! I love when technology works :) Today will be the first full day of seeing how this cute little thing works. I'm going to give it a week or so before I pass any judgement :)

On another note -- I've been to the gym four days in a row! That's the most days I've gone, in a row, in a very long time - yay me! So, something is starting to click - at least I hope. I once read that it takes about 3 weeks of consistently doing something in order to form a habit -- I guess I've got 17 more days before this working out thing becomes a routine. But, I did manage, between the elliptical and just general walking around the house doing things to burn about 460 calories today from exercise - so I'm happy! It's not earth shattering - but it's a start :)

Getting back to motivators, I already discussed the need for external motivators because I lack that inner voice that yells at me. Hence, the purchase of the Fitbit. But, another great external motivator for me -- I love to travel! You might ask what does travel have to do with losing weight? Well, ultimately, for me, it's not necessarily about losing the weight (although it's a key ingredient) but it's about vanity. I want to look good in photos! I hate looking back at photos of holidays and trips when I was fat. It makes me sad, it makes me depressed, it makes me feel ugly. I just can't accept myself as this fat person and I really want to find the skinnier me. Oh, and feeling good so that I can explore new lands, that's important too!

I mentioned that my family went on a Mediterranean cruise in 2010. I was extremely motivated prior to that trip to finally take off pounds because I wanted to be in pictures!  I wanted to prove that I was really on that trip!

In the past I've always stayed behind the camera. If I happened to be in a photo, I usually hid behind someone and only stuck my face into the picture. I was the queen of masking my obesity. It was my way of hiding the fact that I was fat and if no one could see it, then I didn't have to face it. I know now that I wasn't fooling anyone. You can't hide when you're between 50 and 60 lbs. overweight. The only one I was fooling was myself. But on this trip, I was front and center in photos -- I wasn't hiding behind my boys. And, even though I wasn't at my "ideal" weight, I felt good!

Now, I realize that I need that inner voice to take over to really be successful in maintaining my weight loss in the long run - I know that - in my head. But, for some reason my logical self and my inner self aren't speaking to each other -- at least not yet.

What's sparking my desire to lose weight again -- besides the fact that I just don't feel good about myself? Well, the real cattle-prod is my upcoming vacations! I currently have three trips planned in the next year. This summer - we are road tripping. This tour includes Pittsburgh, PA (husband grew up here), Niagara Falls (both US and Canadian sides), Toronto (boys are HUGE NHL fans!), hiking in upstate New York and finally New York City (my old stomping ground). Then, next spring, my oldest son and I are off to Europe for a 10 day whirl-wind tour of Berlin, Prague, Munich and Vienna with his High School class. Finally, our last scheduled trip is another cruise next summer. I want to be in photos to prove I've been to all of these wonderful places! I want to step out from behind the lens!

Motivation

Motivation, there's that word again. Merriam-Webster defines motivation as:

•  the act or process of giving someone a reason for doing something;

•  the condition of being eager to act or work;

•  a force or influence that causes someone to do something

We all have motivators. Whether our motivators are internal, just that drive to get things done, or external. External motivators can come from several different places. In fact, there are external motivators all around us - that snicker from the stupid individual who moos as he walks by you, that glance in the mirror that isn't very satisfying, putting on a piece of clothing and finding that it doesn't quite fit the way it used to. These can all be motivators. Another type of motivator is electronic. But, I'm getting ahead of myself.

So, I wasn't feeling all that great this week. Battling some kind of virus (self-diagnosed ) But, basically I've been feeling a little run-down, slight temp, one-sided sore throat and ear pain on the same side. Well, you can imagine where this is going -- no fitness minutes. Oh, I walked a little, just so I could say I got up out of my favorite chair, but it wasn't heart pumping, sweat inducing, muscle straining exercise. Unless you call the finger cramps I got from being on my laptop muscle straining exercise? I mean, my hands did hurt a little yesterday

I spent the last few days researching. The last time I went down this weight-loss road, I used Sparkpeople and a community chat board on another website to motivate myself to get up and move. Both of these "tools" helped me to get out, exercise, eat right and lose weight. Tracking my food intake, my activity levels and chatting with others about their successes and failures was the incentive I needed to achieve my goals. As I discussed before, I didn't maintain all of my weight-loss. I came back from vacation 3 years ago and lost my motivation and couldn't find it again.

Research - I research things to death. I mean, I will search and search and search a subject, product, location, service, well - you get my drift - until, I think, I know more about the stuff than the company or person who created whatever the dang thing is. I have a disorder (similar to the aforementioned cheese). What was I researching, you might ask? And what does this have to do with motivation? Well, I was researching activity trackers.

I need external motivation. I don't have a loud enough voice inside my head to scream "Get off your fat a## and go to the gym!!" or "Don't eat that bowl of ice cream -- you already had too many calories today!!" I need something to tell me that I need to get off my over-sized patootie and get moving.

I just got a new smart phone. I had a Samsung Galaxy Note (version 1) prior to my new phone and I loved -- LOVED - my phablet. I loved how big it was - loved the ability to use a stylus to write on the screen. It was fun! But, alas, my battery was failing and to be honest -- it was several years old and I'm all about gadgets. I wanted something new and flashy.

I picked up the Samsung S5. Mainly because it's got some nice camera features and it's a bit smaller (don't need to haul a rolling duffel to carry my phone anymore) than the newest Galaxy Note. I mean, let's face it, the size of the Galaxy Note harkens back to days of early cell phones. Yes, I was around during the time of the dinosaurs and huge cell phones. While the ability to have a cell phone back in the early 90s was cool  -- it wasn't Maxwell Smart Shoe Phone cool. Those cell phones were huge! (Okay young ones -- "Get Smart".) Anyway, the S5 has a fitness tracker built in. It's fairly basic - you can only really monitor running, walking and hiking. But, it has a pedometer and I tried it. While I haven't walked a full ten thousand steps yet (did I mention I've been sick?) it is inspiring me to get up and move a little more. It actually converts my steps into calories burned and that's where I start to see my motivator . I like knowing that those steps are having a positive effect (or negative calorie count) on my weight-loss journey.

Well, if a simple app on my smart phone can spark some motivation, how about a REAL activity tracker? This business is really starting to boom and there is no shortage of choices out there, with many more in the pipeline. I could have purchased a Samsung Gear Fit when I got my phone - in fact, I was offered a $50 discount when I purchased the S5. But, I don't think I need all of the "features" that come with the Gear Fit. I just want an activity tracker, not another "smart phone" on my wrist. I don't need to take calls or be able to text from my wrist - although that is Maxwell Smart cool! So, that left me with only 100 choices instead of 101. Okay - maybe not quite that many - didn't really count - but there are a lot of choices available!

I won't go into all of the different options out there -- you just have to Google the terms "activity" or "fitness tracker" and you'll get pages and pages of search results along with a plethora of reviews, comparison charts, etc. I chose the Fitbit One. While I would love to have something with a heart rate monitor, I'm not sure about "strapping one on" before I exercise. The Fitbit One seems to fulfill what I'm currently looking for: it counts my steps, my calories burned, my distance traveled, and a few other things. I like that it syncs with my S5, my laptop, and with several of the apps (or websites) that I already use such as Sparkpeople, Loseit, Myfitnesspal, and many, many others. I also am very pleased that it costs less than $100 on Amazon.

So, my external motivator will arrive sometime Monday. I'm looking forward to working with my new electronic gadget. I love gadgets, by the way, but that's another blog topic! I know that it won't necessarily tell me to get up and move. But I feel the visual stimulus of instantly seeing where I am, at any given point of the day, (via wireless sync with my S5) will really give me the motivation to get where I want to be. Which will be off this chair!

The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Everyday we tell ourselves little white lies. Well, I do anyway. Tomorrow, I'll spend more time at the gym; tomorrow, I'll clean up the office/craft room/school room; tomorrow I won't eat any candy ... and on and on. I guess this falls under the term procrastination, but let's face it -- I'm lying to myself. I tell myself I'm going to do something but, let's be honest, I probably have no intention of getting it done. Maybe some of you can relate?  We may think we'll do it (whatever it is -- and we all have an "it") and maybe some of us will eventually get to it, but if you're like me, it stays on the back burner, especially cleaning that office :)

So, how do we motivate ourselves to change? I'm not sure. I struggle with this on a daily basis. I am the queen of procrastination. It constantly irks me when my high schooler doesn't plan out his homework assignments and leaves tons of work to get done right before their due date. But, I know exactly where he's gotten this habit from -- me! My husband isn't like this. He's the type of person who sets out to do something and nine times out of ten, he will go ahead and get it done because he just wants to get "it" out of the way. Not me, I'm always thinking maybe I'll have more energy to get it done tomorrow. I don't really have to do that right now. Maybe magical faeries will descend upon my home and do "it" for me :) Why do I do this? Is it something inherent in my DNA? Is it just part of my personality? Is it something I can change about myself?

I started thinking about this today because I'm once again struggling with my weight. Back in 2008 - 2010 I lost about 40 pounds. My father, who was not overweight, had a stroke and this scared me. I always thought he was healthy. Well, healthy for someone who smoked more than a pack of cigarettes per day and was a strictly meat and potatoes, with high fat desserts on the side, kind of guy. On top of my Dad's health scare, my husband and I were in the process of planning a family trip to Europe to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary. So, I was completely motivated. I went to the gym. Many days I worked out for two hours at a time. I ate right, I counted calories, I reduced my wine intake to only a couple of glasses per week, etc, etc. I was fairly religious in my diligence.The weight came off, slowly, and it was hard work, but it did come off.

When we returned from our trip, I still went to the gym, but not as religiously. I thought "if I just get there a few times per week," the weight would, at least, stay off. And, for a while it did. But then I got lazy and I went to the gym less often. I stopped counting calories. I stopped eating well. I like food. I like wine. I like hanging with friends and family on the weekends and eating pizza and drinking wine. I have a complete weakness for cheese. So, you can see where this is going. I gained weight. Not all at once, it's crept on slowly. But here I am, four years later, I've gained back 20 pounds. Ugh.

We recently went to Myrtle Beach for a long weekend and I felt disgusting. But, has this been the motivation I need to get back to the gym? Maybe, maybe not. I went several times in the week that followed. I started watching what I eat, logging my exercise and food intake. But, at the end of one week -- I had not lost one ounce!! It's frustrating to feel like you've worked hard, or harder than you have in a long time, and not see any results. I know the weight is not miraculously going to disappear overnight. I know I didn't gain it overnight, so I don't expect to lose it that quickly either. But, I was hoping for, at the very least, a half pound loss. But, nothing. The scale did not move. I realize that there are probably things going on internally that aren't visible on the scale -- but I want to see pounds shedding!

So, how do I stay motivated to stay on program? To be honest, I'm struggling with this right now. I find myself feeling disgusted and the more I get disgusted, the more upset I am, the more upset I am, the less motivated I feel, the less motivated I feel, the less I feel like going to the gym which then leads to feeling more and more disgusted. You see the never-ending cycle?

Motivation, where do you get it from? We all have motivators whether they be external - that trip you've been planning, an upcoming wedding, high school or college reunion, etc. External motivators can be a huge kick in the butt. But, I think, in order to make the type of changes in lifestyle, that promote long-term weight loss goals or long term health changes (or whatever you're trying to change), these motivators come from inside. They are small (or big) mental changes that need to be made, over time, to be successful and long lasting.

Okay, so the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I need help! There, I said it. I'm not typically one who asks for or seeks out help. I'm more of a do-it-yourself kinda gal. But, this time I need help. I need inspiration. I need motivation. I have two big trips coming up next year (external motivators). One is to Europe with my oldest son's high school class. The other is to celebrate my 25th wedding anniversary -- we'll be cruising DCL in June.  Now, the internal motivators need to fall into place. Another truth -- I'm really hoping blogging about my struggles will help motivate me to change. So, there's my truth -- I'm overweight and unhappy. Now, I'm off to make a healthy choice for dinner.

Why Tink?

Anyone who knows me and my family, knows that we love Disney. Okay, not in the "I decorate my house in all things Disney" way. More in the "where are we going to vacation this year? Can we go thru Florida so we can stop in Disney?" kind of way. But, we did name one of our dogs Disney, isn't she adorable?? :)

Anyway, back to our love of Disney, the parks, not the dog :) We love the theming, we love the rides, it's just a fun experience and everyone in the family has something they adore doing there. We also love, love, love, Disney Cruise Line. Can you tell we love DCL? :) We've been on 4 cruises with DCL and have another one scheduled for next year. It's one of those perfect blends of Disney theme in a completely relaxing atmosphere. Now that my boys are teens, I think they prefer this type of vacation over any other, even Walt Disney World. But, more about our family's travels on another post :) And, no, I don't plan on spewing forth rants about how wonderful a Disney vacation is (although it can be), we've done other vacations and had a wonderful time. This year we're actually road tripping north of the Mason Dixon line, in fact we're going north of the US border even. But, like I said, that's for another post. If I talk about everything now, then I'll run out of things to say, HA!

But, I still haven't answered, why Tink? Well, going along with the Disney theme, years ago I joined a discussion forum that is based on, what else...Disney. I had to come up with a member name and I didn't want to just use my real name, that was too boring. I saw people on this forum with names like "wdwlvr" and "tigger" and "Its A Smallworld." I couldn't have just plain old Lubi as my forum user name. I wanted an amazing name, a fun name, something with a little spunk and a little attitude and who else but Tinkerbell could epitomize a gal with spunk and attitude? So, since Tinkerbell and Tink were already taken, my board name became NC_Tink - guess where I live? :)  I use that name on many different boards now (Disney related and other.) I've even used nctink in the address for this blogging page, easier for me to remember my own URL :) So, I guess not only do I associate with Tinkerbell, I guess it's just become a habit of mine to utilize part of her name. And, because so many decisions in life require a leap of faith, having a little "faith, trust, and pixie dust" is not a bad thing :)

What to write about?

Write what you know... That's what I've heard anyway. But, what do I know? I keep thinking about that Sam Cooke song, Wonderful World

Don't know much about history,
Don't know much Biology,
Don't know much about a science book,
Don't know much about the French I took...

I don't know much about anything in particular, but I sure know lots of bits of information about lots of stuff. Is this blog going to be about anything in particular? Maybe. I'm hoping that it will just kind of find itself along the way. Much the same way I hope to find myself along the way. I've spent the last seven years being a stay-at-home mom. I've been wife, mom, daughter, chauffeur, teacher, principal, cook, nurse, referee, coach, travel agent, interior decorator, etc. The list goes on and on and on. Don't get me wrong, I love my life, being home with my kids has been the most rewarding experience I could have ever have asked for. I would not trade the time I've spent with my kids for any amount of money. But, somewhere along the way, I think I seem to have forgotten who I am. Ok, kinda cliché, I know. But it's true, when you devote so much time to those around you, you end up giving up a little of yourself along the way.

My children are slowly leaving the nest. My eldest, Connor, decided to leave our homeschool this past Fall and is attending a wonderful charter school for his Sophomore year. My younger son, Kieran, will be a Freshman there this Fall. Which now leaves me with the question... what do I want to be now that I've grown up?

I have a degree in psychology, but as the saying goes...that and $2.50 will buy me a token on the NYC subway. I've toyed with the idea of returning to school to advance my degree, but when you're trying to save for your teenagers' college funds, it doesn't leave a lot of room in the budget for such thoughts. And, to be honest, what I wanted at eighteen, isn't necessarily what I want at (ahem - not going to say.) So, I guess I'm going to fall back on the fact that my Psychology degree came from a liberal arts college which required lots of writing. And, while I may not have appreciated that requirement while attending, I am thankful for it now because I think one of my strengths is the ability to write. I'm not about to write the next best American novel, but I think, or at least I hope, I can handle writing a blog :)

I guess I'm ready to start my next chapter. How will that chapter start? What tale will it tell? Will there be any twists along the way? Well, I guess I'm about to find out...and, yes, I'm looking forward to the adventure and sharing it with you :)